Never Asked Questions 4
That’s right, a blast from the past makes its return as I cover the questions that no one is asking, the burning queries that zero people are pressing me about. I’d say that’s about all the introduction a premise like this one needs, so let’s jump in!
Q: What is the Thunder Pear Publishing healthcare plan like?
A: Atop the peak of a mountain, in the depths of a forest where countless have gone lost, surrounded by a murderous river with swift currents, are three flowers. One green, one red, one blue. A single petal from one shall heal every ill, soothe every ache, restore every loss. Be warned, however, for the other two are deadly. One will shrivel your body to dust, the other melt your brain to slush. The choice must be made wisely.
Anyway, I can’t afford that sort of expedition, so I guess the healthcare plan around here is the band-aids in my cupboard and a slug of whiskey for the pain.
Q: Is it true you’re banned from Olympus for mooning Zeus?
A: Well first off, that was an entirely different iterance of reality so the question of whether or not anything from there really happened is up for debate. Secondly, it wasn’t so much a ban as me not wanting to hang out with hypocrites. Old lightning-boy gave me a pressed ham when he was hitching a ride in his kid’s sun-chariot, but I’m not allowed to return the gesture just cause we’re at some kind of banquet? Double standards I tell you, double standards.
Q: Who is your favorite of the 3 Stooges?
A: Given the amount of slapstick and old TV references in my books, this is one that I’m surprised hasn’t really come up yet. I grew up watching old stooges thanks to a love for the series passed down by a family member, and as a kid I definitely would have said Curly.
Getting older though, I’ve learned more about the histories and hardships of the stooges. It gives me appreciation for Moe’s leadership, Larry’s talent, and Shemp’s willingness to take on a thankless task of replacement just to help keep the act afloat.
But yeah, it’s still Curly. They’re all great, however he was just on another slapstick level. The expressions, the physicality, the energy; there’s a reason the man’s antics are still watched today.
Q: When do ideas come from?
A: Everyone always asks about the Where, nobody’s ever curious about the When. For those wondering, it happens around the seam of Just About and Never Was.
Q: What are good online board games?
A: Truth be told, this is one I’m usually asking my more knowledgeable friends about. But seeing as we’re coming up on a year in lockdown-land, seems like a good time to share the wealth.
For good online versions of existing games, Mysterium is a personal favorite. If you want, you can go watch Steve and I’s game from this Wednesday to see it in action. The gist is that you’re trying to get people to guess what you want them to using only image cards drawn at random. Great fun with friends. Small World and Tokaido are also good times as well.
Q: What are some of your favorite kitchen gadgets?
A: As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I’ve been on a hell of a sous-vide kick lately, and that tool has rocketed up my scale of usefulness. It’s crazy how many formerly difficult dishes it turns into a breeze. Crème brûlée without worrying about curdled cream, cheesecake with no pan of oven water, poached eggs done easily and in the shell. It’s fast becoming a kitchen staple, one I’d recommend for a cook of any skill level.
Past that, while I’ve got responsible tools like a stand-mixer, if I was going more for something gadgety I’d say the Velvetiser Hot Chocolate maker. It was a gift a few years back, and my goodness you would not expect the difference between this thing and just boiling milk to be so pronounced, but it is.
Q: Do you know anything about the creature hiding behind the moon?
A: Only that you do not want it to awaken. Those iterations were… brief.
Q: Any takeaways from a near year in lockdown?
A: In 2019, I learned that The Good Place set was on the Universal Studios lot tour, part of their theme park experience. I love the living hell out of that show, and the idea of getting to walk around the neighborhood was something I couldn’t get out of my head. Even though it felt like a ridiculous thing to motivate an entire trip, I searched and shopped and found a way to make it work. Turned it into a writing expedition, found a buddy to share the fun and cost with, but all the while I felt silly. Like it was such a frivolous waste.
A year of being unable to go anywhere has not only reframed that trip as something of a last hurrah before the world grew ill, it’s also stripped any sense of lingering embarrassment I felt about the indulgence. Truth be told, I look back at that as one of the best choices I’ve made; getting to see something I dearly wanted to just before the chance was lost, potentially forever. Sets of finished shows don’t exist in perpetuity. When it’s safe to do so again, I hope to take more frivolous trips, and enjoy them all without reservation.
Q: It’s been like three years, why bring back Never Asked Questions now?
A: Totally normal reasons, of course. The natural cycle of creating content, where an idea originates, is examined, then put aside until new angles and inspirations can occur. Definitely not something totally insane, like the brain spiders getting mad about how much I kept talking about them. I certainly wasn’t biding my time until I could send out another signal while they were busy and… goddamnit, I just heard the TV click off. Guess they noticed the typing and figured out what was being written. Going to have to sign off so I can grab my flamethrower.
Seems like today I’ll be dipping deep into the company healthcare band-aids, to say nothing of the whiskey.