The Villionaire Matchmaker

                “Welcome back to Villionaire Matchmaker, where we take some of the most eligible masters of crime and try to find them a chance at the one thing you can’t plunder from a bank vault: true love! I am the Countess Von Enraptra, but everyone calls me Countess for short, or I have them thrown into acid.” Smiling ceaselessly into the camera, a tall woman in layered magenta robes shaped into a dress motions to the decorated bar, paper hearts that are a bit too anatomical and cupid’s with arrows that come to an actual point.

                “As you can see, we’ve spared no expense setting the scene for this year’s Villaintine’s Social Extravaganza, hosted in a lawless patch of the multiverse where we need not worry about any of those so-called superheroes crashing the fun. Besides, since they live in constant self-denial, today is about sadness and masturbation for that crew, and they’ve got a very full docket.”

                Countess laughs, her eyes sparking with magenta light that matches her outfit, and soon unseen bodies behind the camera are heard joining the revelry. “Now, today’s client was a real challenge; a highly capable villain who was extremely stuck in his ways. Let’s roll the footage of his application tape.”

                The feed cuts to footage of Baron Baddington, attempting to get balanced atop a cheap stool before facing the camera. “Ah, yes. I am the great Baron Baddington, slayer of Procklerd, survivor of the Fourth Breaking, scourge of Secaucus. Do you have a Secaucus here? I’m still new to this part of the multiverse and getting my bearings.”

                Voices can be heard whispering off-screen. “Right right, what do I want in a partner. Competence would be the first, most desirable quality. A criminally underrated trait, if you know what I mean.” Baron Baddington chuckles briefly, alone. “I’m serious though, no one appreciates competence properly. The simple ability to understand, ask questions for clarity, and do the things they set their mind to. To work alongside someone, put trust in them, this is a baseline that simply must be fulfilled.”

                In a quick cut, Countess returns to the screen. “Ridiculous, isn’t he? Didn’t even mention how he felt about big ass vs small ass, which organs he preferred, the whole tape is like that, looking for qualities of their personality. But we know better, and soon he will too. Bring forth the flesh!”

                Through doors on either side of the bar, a parade of bodies begin to enter, clad in all manner of costumes. Some focused on horror, women clad in skulls and bones, men wielding horrid spike chains. Others have taken a more flamboyant approach, a woman riding atop four trained peacocks, or the man dragging a literal cape of gold. There were also plenty with less cohesive theming, a woman in overalls and a sci-fi helmet one particularly noteworthy standout. If there is a single unifying characteristic, it would be that these versions of their outfits seemed to show more skin than a normal version might.

                Wearing a formal cape with a high collar, Baron Baddington soon steps through from another door across the bar. He looks over the crowd, eyes going momentarily wide at the overwhelming numbers. His head jerks toward the exit, but before he can make a move Countess has intercepted. “Here he is at last, the man of the evening: Baron Baddington. Everyone, take turns, but be sure you come get to know our special guest.”

                Countess steps away, however her body remains between Baron Baddington and the exit as the first flock of costumes descends upon him. The conversation flies so quick and fast, he can only be heard in snippets.

                “I think a good doomsday device has to have panache.”

                “Uh huh, and how do you feel about pets?”

                “Fire-theme, that’s… original.”

                “Just one pet. A rabbit.”

                “No, I can’t say I’ve ever had the pleasure of mating with a boneless being, though I believe you that’s a one-of-a-kind experience.”

                “Maybe pet was the wrong word. Trusted friend and ally. Irreplaceable resource, really. One might even say the rabbit was the real genius.”

                “Number of kids? I’m not much into big families, so a few dozen at… the… most…”

                Baron Baddington’s voice falls away as a new figure catches his eye. Parting the bodies before him, he approaches her, gaze unwavering. It has to tilt upward, since she’s the taller of the two, the yellow-orange of her costume ending in a vibrant green plume at the top. “And who might you be?”

                “The Corrupting Carrot, I’ve got the power to imbue vegetables with all kinds of crazy effects.” She reaches out, running a finger under Baron Baddington’s chin.

                “I bet you can,” he agrees, left foot rapidly stamping on the ground as his chin is scratched.

                Without warning, alarms begin to blare, lights flashing all through the bar. Everyone takes an action-ready pose, save for Baron Baddington and The Corrupting Carrot, who remain transfixed on one another.

                A screen above the bar flickers to life, images flashing as a familiar face comes into view. Baron Baddington is somehow looking out of the screen, an office decorated in hues of magenta behind him. “Good evening, Countess! I do hope you’ll forgive me for missing my big screen debut, as I had other tasks to attend to. By now, Commander Whiskers’ disguise module will be failing, though he’s no doubt already used this distraction to slip away as planned.”

                Cameras flick back to the original Baron Baddington, who now has long white ears poking out of his head and has dropped a few feet in height. He seems cursorily aware of the current happenings, though not enough to steal his attention from the enormous carrot.

                “I want to thank you, Countess, for presenting me such a wonderful opportunity. If you hadn’t been so blinded by the money we threw around, I’d have never gotten a chance to steal the Eros gem.” On camera, Baron Baddington holds up a glowing rock shaped like a cartoon heart. “You should really put more work into guarding the things that actually matter.”

                A horrific scream rips through the room, causing most in it to fall over, covering their ears. The pain is enough to finally break through to Commander Whiskers, now almost entirely a rabbit once more. Rapidly hitting a few switches on the device along his stomach, Commander Whiskers pauses only long enough to look up at The Corrupting Carrot, a human voice playing from the small speaker around his neck.

                “I’ll find you again, I promise.”

                With a flash and sizzle, the rabbit vanishes, just like the human on screen. As Countess’s rage reaches a new peak, several of the attendees, including The Corrupting Carrot, can be seen hurriedly sneaking out a side-exit.

                Another screech begins, and the glass shatters seconds before the feed cuts to black.

Want more villains and fun? Villains’ Code #2: Bones of the Past is now available for pre-order on Audible (releasing 3/30/2021), and currently available in print and ebook.