Thunder Pear Publishing Halloween Parade Memo
Grant, glad to hear you’re back up and at it! A hangover lasting an entire fiscal quarter is no joke, but that’s what happens when you face the pumpkin. While you were out, there were exciting developments on the Halloween front, which you’ll read about below. I know your brain is still technically 3% liquified, but do try your best to keep straight which parts need to be amended versus which are supposed to be sent to the company as a whole, although at this point your fuckups are practically an annual tradition. That’s my assumption for why Mr. Hayes keeps you in the role, at least. The point is, put in an effort, if nothing else.
Hello Everyone! As office scuttlebutt has no doubt tipped you off, Thunder Pear Publishing has a special event prior to our yearly Halloween party. The town has decided to throw a Halloween Parade, sponsored and filled out largely by local businesses. As a native of New Orleans, Mr. Hayes is physically unable to resist parades, and has therefore submitted Thunder Pear Publishing to host a float in the upcoming event. While we are all very excited about this community building opportunity, there are some do’s and don’ts to keep in mind for the safety of the public at large, as well as keeping the entire staff from being arrested.
1) First and foremost, this is a parade, not a race. We have had no less than five different employees caught trying to install oil-slick dispensers, caltrop droppers, NOS tanks, and shockingly effectively potato cannons onto the Thunder Pear Publishing float. Mr. Hayes cannot emphasize enough that such actions will not be tolerated. On top of going slow being a fundamental part of the parade experience, our float is already a jerry-rigged death trap. Between the bead cannons, smoke machines, pyrotechnics, holograms, candy claymores, and wide array of other electronics, the system cannot accommodate any additional features not run through official approvals.
2) Those wishing to work the float must submit their applications and show up for preliminary elimination by this Friday afternoon at 2. Grant, you may have missed this, but since the float can only hold so many staff members, Mr. Hayes is having a mini-tournament to determine who can best represent Thunder Pear Publishing. In your delicate condition, I’d recommend skipping this, unless what you want to experience what doctors have described as “bone vomiting”. Events have not yet been officially listed, but bead-throwing seems a safe bet, and you’re never wrong to prep for a drinking contest in this company. Medical staff will be on hand during the elimination, and our Break Room Ghost scrawled onto a foggy mirror that he’ll be around as well, in case there’s any new brethren to welcome. A good reminder to be careful out there, if ever there was one.
3) In regards to costumes at the parade: as this is a public event, please do keep in mind all applicable laws on decency, weaponry, and, in cases such as Sara’s Truck Monster costume last year, appropriateness for driving on a major highway. That said, Mr. Hayes does have some concerns that this could be an elaborate trap set by the town to finally eliminate us once and for all, using one of the few baits he’s incapable of passing up. Outfits featuring armor and low-power/unobtrusive weaponry might prove to be beneficial, should things take a turn for the interesting. Grant, work this so we’re just skirting legality here. After the Dr. Horsefeathers incident last year, we want to make sure we’re appropriately equipped, but don’t want to give the city any more ammo that it has to cause a fuss. Ever since that St. Patrick’s Day mini-molasses flood, the local government hasn’t been our biggest fan.
4) Those wishing to participate in the parade who do not make it onto the float, good news! Mr. Hayes added a publishing-based component to the festivities so that everyone could be part of the action. Also, because making it a work project allows us to write all of this off. That’s a big deal, I caught sight of the budget, and we have spent a lot of money on that float. One day, I have to figure out how this place turns a profit. For those in the crowd, pay careful attention as the Thunder Pear Publishing float passes by. Every 100th pair of beads will have the name of a manuscript on it. Catch one, review it with notes by Halloween, and turn it in at our annual office party for a very special reward. Okay, obviously it’s booze, but Mr. Hayes also promises to have some career advancement opportunities as well, so brush up on your bead catching and (let’s be honest) beer pong skills.
5) We are aware that the Sam Goody down the street has somehow fielded enough money to also have a float in the Halloween Parade, and have attempted to issue a blood challenge to Thunder Pear Publishing. We all saw the dead bat nailed to the front door, although Mr. Percival informed us that a taxidermized one doesn’t quite count for blood challenge purposes. Nevertheless, Mr. Hayes intends to treat it as one, so everybody attending should be ready for conflict at any time. Those wishing to join the ambush team, please apply to Mr. Percival prior to the Halloween Parade. We expect this is the last time Sam Goody will be nailing anything to our doors. I suppose I could explain this part, but you’ve been here long enough by now to figure it out. I’ll just say this, some good general life advice, that in no way admits liability: Don’t start shit with a company of lunatics and supernatural outcasts, you won’t like the way they finish it.
6) For those riding in the parade, fearful they might grow bored of making faces and chucking prizes, worry not. Mr. Hayes is equipping the float with all manner of activities that will keep you entertained, while also putting on a show for the viewers. Take a spin on the Haunted Rotating Keg Stand, see how long you can last in our smoke-filled glass case called Hell’s Hottest Box, or test your skills on the Zombie Escape Shot Luge Luge, where you go down a luge pausing only to take drinks from the liquor being poured into shot luges spaced out along the course. See what I said about this thing being insanely expensive? Victors of these events will have the same opportunities for advancement as those who catch the manuscript beads. Those are just what have been built so far, based on the material delivered and arcane spellbooks I’ve seen staff hauling around, it’s safe to say there will be plenty more by the time the float actually debuts.
7) Anyone attempting to come by the Thunder Pear Publishing offices during the parade may notice the entire building, much to our neighbor’s annoyance, covered up by a massive orange and black tent. Since the company as an entity will be occupied, Mr. Hayes has elected to use this opportunity to allow some of our more… shadowy assets time to stretch their legs and run free. Please do not enter the building during this time, as that’s how janitor White-Haired Willy gained his trademark locks and nickname. As a benefit of this, when we return, the office will be fully decorated for Halloween. You can’t let the nightmares out and expect them not to leave something behind.
8) Lastly, should the entire event turn out to be an elaborate, city-wide trap, please hurry to the Thunder Pear Publishing float once the horrible plan to stop our destructive outings is revealed. While I’m not at liberty to discuss the details, Mr. Hayes is having some safety features integrated for just such an occurrence. Upon arriving at the float, you will find survival and escape to be far more viable. I don’t want to give away the big reveal if it does get used, Grant, so I’ll just tell you this much: it rhymes with “giant transforming mech”. Okay, seriously, how does this business stay solvent?
Keep your eyes peeled (not literally) for more updates as the parade draws closer. I’ll also be sending out some details regarding this year’s Office Halloween Party (and the cider volcano that’s being delivered next week) so you won’t want to miss those emails. Everyone hoping to be on the float, Mr. Hayes recommends you wear comfortable shoes and clothes you don’t mind seeing covered in maple syrup for the elimination. Grant, up to you, but to reiterate, I’d seriously recommend you skip over this. I’ve seen more than one person wearing steel-toed shoes and building makeshift melee weapons, might not be the best place for someone on the mend. One last tip: if you see me out there, you should run. I’m not in recovery, and have the kind of motivation the comes from being overdue for a promotion. Until we have more to share, just remember the most important part of every office-related activity.
Have fun!
-From the desk of Carol Dempsy, Thunder Pear Publishing HR Coordinator and Halloween Liaison.