Thunder Pear Publishing Haunted Hunt Memo
Welcome back Grant, and congratulations on getting transferred out from the Cursed Caves of Caperwalt. I’m sure you’re glad to be free from inside the mystical caverns where illusions berate you, but there’s no time to dilly-dally on the work-front. We’ve been scrambling to put together a proper offering of a Halloween celebration (partly for the employees, partly due to certain ancient blood rites Mr. Hayes invoked untold years ago that must be honored) and I’m happy to report that things are finally coming together.
Read this over, make the corrections, then send it back solely to me. And this time, try like your beloved transfer out of those caves depends on not screwing up. Because it very well might, if the weekly basket of muffins I’ve been sending to our Location Coordinator are worth a damn.
Good Morning, Thunder Pear Publishing employees! While I do miss seeing your smiling faces around the office, we want to commend everyone on doing such a fine job of working remotely these past few months. Mr. Hayes has been so pleased with our continued productivity that he’s procured several extra surprises for our upcoming Company Halloween Event, one of which is apparently a 20-foot tall giant scarecrow that breathes some sort of hallucinogenic gas. That one we only know about due to a shipping error that caused a leak and left our truckers in the mood to watch five back-to-back drive-in screenings of the same movie.
Much as we would all love our normal Halloween Party, Mr. Hayes has been dedicated to creating a safe alternative that allows for social distancing, and has come through in his usual unique fashion. Please take careful note of the guidelines below for the first annual Thunder Pear Publishing Haunted Hunt.
1) If the location on the invitation seems familiar, you are not mistaken. After the unpleasantness at Dr. Horsefeathers Abandoned Animal Asylum two years ago, Mr. Hayes picked up the property for a song considering its… colorful history. Grant, try and soften this a bit. I’m trying not to remind people of what a hellhole that place was when we were finished with it. Someone jammed a zombie horse’s head up its own rectum, and that made for quite a disgusting scene when it finally popped free.
Don’t worry, the entire area has been “Professionally Decontaminated”, which Mr. Percival assures us involves quite a bit of fire and leaves no traces of what was there before.
2) Upon arrival, you will be checked in and directed to a designated starting point, any other employees also there will be your team for the night. Groups will be kept small in order to permit adequate space between bodies at each location. In the years since taking ownership, Mr. Hayes has constructed several new structures on the once empty fields, including a fun house, overgrown creepy cottage, and small graveyard, to name a few. This won’t be the company merely standing around on a huge patch of land.
Each of these locations will have a puzzle, riddle, drinking contest, or other standard Thunder Pear Publishing employee evaluation metric. If you can solve yours in time, you will each be rewarded with a top-shelf refreshment and a special Thunder Pear Publishing Jack-O-Pear.
Those who do not overcome their station in time will only receive refreshments of normal quality. Once time is signaled, your group will be moved to the next location and can take on the corresponding challenge.
3) In light of current health concerns, Mr. Hayes has chosen to relax his famous inflexibility on costumes. While costumes will still be mandatory (Really drive this home, Grant. We do not want anyone having to draw from the Found-Costume-Bucket if they can avoid it. This year has put people through enough) as at all Thunder Pear Publishing Halloween functions, facial coverings that conflict with the costume are now-permitted. Those who can incorporate the mask into their outfit are encouraged to do so, Sara’s SlenderJam costume, aka Slenderman the DJ, with its total face concealment is one such excellent example.
4) As you creep along between the locations, do not be surprised if you are suddenly accosted, at a safe distance, by strangers dressed in dark clothes. Mr. Hayes has tasked some of the… non-public facing staff with various tasks during the event, allowing them a chance at a bit of fun as well. Should these lurking ambushers pounce, you have several options.
You may challenge them to any of the standard Thunder Pear Publishing dueling contests, there will be supplies for all such events on-hand, even the ceremonial Keg-Stand-Flip-Toss-Chug, our greatest of trials. Defeat your opponents, and you will be able to claim all the Jack-O-Pears they have stolen thus far. Lose, and your own collection of Jack-O-Pears will be forfeit.
Alternatively, you may also present an edited manuscript for review, as this is still a company function. Based on the quality of your work, you may be merely allowed to pass, offered up a small amount of Jack-O-Pears, or perhaps even gain useful insight into an upcoming challenge.
5) Food an non-prize refreshments for the event will be provided by roving wagons thundering across the fields. When you hear the rumble, time at your location will be momentarily paused so that everyone has time to refill on drinks or snacks. Although we do not have much insight into the menu offerings as a whole, given Mr. Hayes’ recent research into artificially increasing the size of certain fowls, it seems a safe bet that there will be sizable turkey legs. Well, they’ll be legs of an animal that at least started life as a turkey. Tweak the language here so I’m not implicitly promising the type of meat that will be offered. HR learned its lesson when Mr. Hayes was lost in the idea of combining beef, snake, gator, manticore, and pork into one supermeat. Some people say they can still taste those burgers, and the sense of wrongness that never left their tongue.
6) By this point, you are no doubt wondering just what the point of Jack-O-Pears must be, given the importance placed on them. Well, these small tokens of achievement are going to be very helpful when the night moves toward its end. Mr. Hayes has set-up something of an arcade prize-counter once a team has attempted every location, a place where those Jack-O-Pears can be traded in for more substantial rewards.
Extra days off, temporary pay bumps, access to executive facilities, special home-delivery services, there is no end to the prizes available for those who collect enough Jack-O-Pears. Use your night’s achievements to improve the aspects of your job you care most about, shaping your own Thunder Pear Publishing experience. There’s even rumors that Mr. Hayes will be auctioning off a promotion or two, so make sure to do your best and grab every Jack-O-Pear you can.
7) Once the prizes are doled out and the challenges completed, the evening’s show will begin. We have no insight to offer on what this will consist of, only that Mr. Hayes demanded there be adequate outdoor seating for the entire company, if necessary. Some believe this is where the hallucinogenic scarecrow will come into play, however even that is mere speculation. Best be prepared for anything, and perhaps make sure you’re at a comfortable point of inebriation before the metaphorical, or perhaps literal, curtain is drawn. Word to the wise, Grant. Bring a tarp. Anytime there’s a Thunder Pear Publishing outdoor show, I’ve needed one, and never for the same reason twice.
8) For as much fun as we want this to be, please remember that safety is of paramount concern. Masks and distance are one key element, as is making sure our costumes are up to their usual quality and destructive levels. There might have been a few rumors of “animal” spirits wandering the grounds, clearly still upset with how things played out a few years back, so you’ll want an outfit capable of finishing whatever they might start.
That’s everything for now, be sure to keep an eye out for emails about your transportation bus, and get those costumes ready to go. Also, for any new employees, we highly recommend choosing footwear that allows for rapid movement over potentially long distances. I’m not technically saying we eventually have to flee at every company event, however your feet will thank you when we do. See you all on Halloween, and remember:
-Have fun!
-From the desk of Carol Dempsy, Thunder Pear Publishing HR Coordinator and Halloween Liaison.