The Thunder Pear Mall
That’s right folks, as an entrepreneur always looking to expand his business in the most interesting directions, it is my pleasure to announce the opening of Thunder Pear Publishing’s own mall. If you’re wondering how I, a mid-list author, managed to procure such a massive chunk of real estate, there’s a very simple explanation: squatter’s rights.
Let’s face facts, malls are failing all over, and if everyone is content to just leave them sitting abandoned, then it seems fair game for the more industrious of us to put that space to use. Granted, the one we picked out might have been dealt a tougher hand than merely coping with online shopping; location seems to have played a role in it’s demise at the very least. Being situated between a noxious swamp, a dilapidated graveyard, and an old toxic dumping site on three sides certainly did them no favors. Then there’s the matter of the basement… though that’s nothing to worry about. Besides, for our takeover purposes, the hostile terrain only makes the place more defensible!
Now I know what you’re thinking, why bother opening a mall when all the existing ones are already failing left and right? Ahhh, but that’s why we’ll be going the extra mile to make The Thunder Pear Mall standout. Custom attractions, unique twists on classics, and surprises around every turn. Don’t believe me? Why not come visit yourself and discover:
The Food Court
Honestly, this is the spot that needs the least amount of help, the food court has long been most malls’ holdout for enticing concept. There’s a place where I can get a burrito, a slice of pizza, and a double-decker cookie sandwich all within twenty feet of one another? Hell to the yes. Granted, the aftermath of that meal would put my toilet into therapy, but the mall is not about good decisions or considering the future.
All this needs is a little bit of excitement sprinkled in to jazz it up for modern times. That’s why we’re introducing the Thunder Pear Conveyor Court. Food will be bagged, labeled, and secured to a conveyor that whips around at high speeds. Do your best to snatch the meal you desire, but watch out for traps. Get snared, and you’ll have to do a lap riding the conveyor yourself, which will almost certainly have food exiting your stomach rather than entering.
Don’t even worry about payment. The ad-income from our 24/7 livestream of the food court will cover all the costs and then some.
The Shops
It wouldn’t really be a mall without places to spend money, and there will be some stores as you remember them. A few places to buy essentials like clothing, tools, and books never go awry. However, we will not merely be stopping with places of simple commerce. Some of the shops are only fronts, facades that appear to peddle useless knick-knacks. Uncover the right words through wit or charm, and speak them to open a secret door, leading into the store’s true offering.
Hidden bars that take work to find, elaborate gaming spaces sealed off from the world, even interactive experiences like running a simulated dungeon, there’s no telling what’s waiting to be uncovered in the curio shop that seems to sell only Christmas ornaments featuring cats. That said, as there can be no reward without risk, some of the stores are exactly what they appear to be. You may waste hours trying to decipher the code in an arrangement of tiny figurines, only to realize they’ve been nothing but ceramic wastes of time.
One word of warning, if any of the shopkeepers try to send you to the basement, don’t follow. They are not affiliated with Thunder Pear Mall, or potentially this iteration of reality.
Live Events
I’m not sure if anyone else had choirs that would show up at your local mall during childhood, but I do enjoy the spirit of live entertainment it helped foster. The Thunder Pear Mall plans to embrace that sentiment by welcoming all sorts of acts into it’s performance spaces, including those who would never clear safety regulations in a normal mall. Flaming sword jugglers, trained animal racing, live jousting, there’s literally no telling what you might see when you step inside.
Reckless as that might all sound, rest assured that we intend to have clearly marked performance areas secured by thick rails. We learned that lesson during our pre-launch tests, when one of the jousting horses skidded along the floor and banged into a certain pair of double doors, knocking them open. We’ve already got people looking for the crew that vanished in the aftermath, and many are theorizing that the trails of red leading into the doors are nothing more than penny-scented ketchup, a product I’ve been told definitely does exist.
Which doors? Well, I’m not sure how that matters… okay yeah, you guessed it. Suppose we might as well deal with…
The Basement
No mall is perfect, we all know that. Maybe the drive is too long, or the parking lot sucks, or they have an electronics store without a book store. In this case, The Thunder Pear Mall has the slight issue of something lurking in the basement. We’re not entirely sure what it is just yet, however we are relatively certain it can hear and understand us while in the building. It seems to have minions steering people toward it, though we haven’t determined if those are independent actors or part of the being itself. Some staff members even think they are limbs poked up through the ground like puppets, although that particular batch all work at the mall’s cannabis dispensary, so that notion probably warrants extra skepticism.
Rather than let our fellow squatter be a detriment, however, we’ve decided to embrace the issue by offering the Big Damn Hero Experience. Have you always wanted to break out of the mundane, experience a grand adventure with perils and the chance to truly make a difference? Well then, for only the cost of entry and some recommended equipment, you can stride forth and do battle with a subterranean horror. Slay the danger, prove that you truly were meant for more than a normal life, and return to your loved ones as a conquering champion.
Payment for the Big Damn Hero Experience must be rendered in full before entrance into the basement. It is highly recommended that the next-of-kin forms be filled out.
We look forward to seeing you for the grand opening of The Thunder Pear Mall! Take a left past Highway 5, go on loop 82C counter-clockwise for five rotations until you see the exit for AllisOst Road. Follow our signs, or the soft glow from the toxic field if it’s night time, until you spot the giant inflatable pear on our roof.