The Golden Pear Contest
Well, isn’t this just the way things go. You spend years working out the logistics, figuring out the counter-curses and containments, all for someone else to come along and steal your glory by beating you to the punch. The hell with it, everything is already in place so we’re pushing ahead with the Thunder Pear Publishing Golden Pear Contest.
Similar to the famous Wonka-based campaign and the current one being hosted by David Klein of Jellybelly, there will be six golden pears stuff into my books, all versions including audio, waiting to tumble out when their particular edition is purchased. If you’re wondering how I’m managing to have physical objects come falling out of screens and earphones, perhaps you missed the bit in the first paragraph hinting at how much magical R&D went into this just for me to get beaten to the… no, deep breaths, there’s plenty of contestants to go around.
Unlike the Wonka version, the grand prize winner will not be getting the keys to Thunder Pear Publishing, seeing as I’m not nearing retirement anytime soon. Instead, they’ll be offered a plush do-nothing job with ample benefits and a pension upon retiring. They get to be management, essentially, with the additional perk of no real job expectations. Wait, that’s still normal management isn’t it? I’ll throw in an office with a private bathroom then, that should add a little something special.
But how will you turn a golden pear into a potential lifelong coasting job, I hear you hollering into the screen? Fear not! All will become clear once you have gained one of the six metal fruits, on the bottom shall be a place and time printed in letters only you will understand. Each winner may bring a single guard… er, guest, to accompany them along their journey. Guests are not eligible for the grand prize, however they are entitled to keep any treasure gained along the way.
Upon arrival, you will be greeted by Thunder Pear Publishing support staff, helpful people there to get you ready for the adventure ahead. Heed their warnings well, especially if they tell you to change some part of your outfit. For example, the Ember Owls who nest in the Halls of Burning Tomes are aggressively attracted to a particular shade of yellow, so any who show up wearing that hue will be advised to select a new option from the many that will be available. You are, of course, free to ignore their suggestions. Not all choose to avoid danger, some prefer to court it. I would recommend comfortable shoes, though. Regardless of your strategy, those will be appreciated after several hours of standing and walking.
Once properly outfitted, your journey shall begin in earnest! First to the executive offices for a delicious lunch, ensuring you are properly nourished and energized, as well as presenting an opportunity for you to ask any questions that might remain. As you will be dining across from a statue of Drew, I would not expect answers, but I would also not not expect them, just to be on the safe side. You will also be given a chance to tour some of the executive facilities, however for safety reasons not all areas can be opened up to guests. Certain planes of existence can have ill-effects on those lacking the right preparations, and no one wants to lose all their skin at the start of an adventure.
After your lunch is done, you’ll be taken to the heart of Thunder Pear Publishing, and assuming no one needs cleanup from arterial spray, then you get to see where most of the employees work. You’ll be escorted around to ensure no more than the usual amount of ruckus is caused. As these are the people doing actual work that keeps the company afloat, they’ll need to stay focused on their daily tasks.
Now that you’ve met the staff, it’s on to a general tour of the facilities. This is slightly more in depth than the standard tour offered, though not quite as extensive as it could be. As with the executive area, some parts will have to be skipped for your own safety, however if you wish to visit them upon your return, accommodations can be made. Please make sure to avail yourself to the restrooms, as this will be the last easy place to do such business for some while.
With stomachs filled, bladders emptied, and tour completed, it will be time for your true contest to begin at last. The elevator will take you down into the basement, where you’ll be shown through a series of locked doors, each more foreboding than the last. When the final one is pulled aside, you will be looking upon a set of steps that appear to have formed naturally, leading you deep into the earth.
The descent will be dangerous, but only if you lose focus. Keep your eyes on the light flickering below, pay no attention to breaks in the wall where shadows leak through, especially not the openings large enough to crawl into. As should be expected, all mysterious whispering voices along this trek should be ignored, especially if they sound familiar. Press onward, down the stairs, toward the light, until at last you have arrived at the original Thunder Pear Publishing facilities.
Looming before you will be a pair of massive doors, etched with intricate, overlapping designs. The green and orange torches should be of no concern, they are always lit, at least when there is someone present to observe them. Stepping forward, present your golden pear, and the doors shall part to permit you entrance. Be warned, traveler, that once you step across that threshold, you enter a place from a time long since passed. Before modern buildings and digital appliances were needed to spread stories, before so many of the old paths were blocked away.
What awaits you inside shall be a mystery, and will certainly vary from contestant to contestant. The grand prize winner shall be the first one to find their way back, and they are entitled to all goods found within, be they magical or mundane. All others who return will only keep what they won on their journey. Those who do not make it back, or who elect to stay, will no longer be concerned with things such as prizes.
We look forward to seeing you around the Thunder Pear Publishing offices, and wish you the best of luck on your search! Just remember: comfortable shoes, use the restroom before things really kick off, and maybe brush up on legends of various monsters lurking on the tattered edges of our reality. A bit of forewarning certainly couldn’t hurt.