The Drewiest Place on Earth
I love theme parks. Fucking love them, pretty much for as far back as I can remember. To a kid who lived 90% of his life with a head crammed into one fantasy world after another, theme parks were the closest I was able to get to actually leaving the real world behind. Even as I’ve gotten older, and motion sickness has stolen so many old favorites away (so long, Tilt-a-Whirl, getting on you now would be literal hell) that passion has persisted. It’s why I owned a season pass to Six Flag Arlington (which has… lots of room improvement) when I lived closer, why I did the blog about Adulting Through Disney, and why I’ve watched pretty much every episode of DefunctLand, a informational channel about theme park history.
So, real talk. Sometimes, when people in my life ask me about my most ridiculous ambitions, I’ll tell them the truth, the same truth you’re getting right here. My most outlandish, insane ambition? Build a stable of content so successful it’s capable of sustaining it’s own theme park. Is that delusion bordering on insanity? Almost definitely, but here’s the thing: nobody hits that kind of success by accident. If you’re not bold enough to call your shot, forget about having the gumption to ever actually make it happen.
And hey, since we’re all optimists here, let’s pretend for a second that this utter nonsense of an ambition actually comes to pass. What sorts of features might one expect to find at, for lack of a better name, Drew Land?
1. Cleanliness: Look, I know how the structure of these works, so you’re expecting silliness out of the gate, but I really wasn’t kidding about how much I love theme parks. If I’m going to build even a hypothetical-joking one, I want it to rock, and this is one of the most visibly demonstrable differences in crappier theme parks versus the top-tier ones. From faded paint, to general disrepair, to trash on the ground, nothing reminds you how dangerous those whirling machines of metal are like seeing the level of care shown to the rest of the park. Drew Land will be a place for people to be shitshows, not a shitshow in itself, so expect a ton of trash cans and maintenance staff on hand at all times.
2. Different Lands: To me, a theme park isn’t elevated simply by the rides, cleanliness, or even service. What makes them truly magical are the ones that manage a sense of immersion, the feeling of stepping from our world into one entirely different. Part of that comes from creating miniature worlds to hold your respective rides/attractions, adding lots of loving details that fool a mind into seeing the impossible. This means that Drew Land won’t simply be one giant bar with a Ferris Wheel at the end, expect to fight some Sims at Lander, catch a wild ride through the streets of Brewster, and perhaps even flee a mechanical dragon in a recreation of Alcatham.
3. Booze: While the Disney parks famously resisted allowing alcohol into the parks (outside exceptions like Club 33) until recent years, Drew Land is coming out of the gate swinging on that front. Yardlong margaritas, daquiri shops on every corner, even coordinated Power Hours after you take a long ride on the “Liability Release Form” experience. If there’s going to be cursing and drinking in the books, then expect to see them in the parks!
4. Discovery: One of the most interesting tactics I’ve discovered in my theme park adventures is when a company will only sell select merchandise or food at select locations, and on top of that, keeps some of the stock rotating. It turns the simple act of walking from one place to another into constant exploration. Every shop, every stand, every vendor, you feel the need to pause and look, however briefly, because you can’t be sure there isn’t something wondrous here that you’d be walking past. On top of it being an excellent marketing tactic overall, this gives the already unnatural worlds a feeling of discovery, the knowledge that there’s always something potentially new to uncover. This might not have the same effect on everyone, but the folks it works for, it works really well on. I make an excellent case-in-point.
5. Rides: Let me be clear about this, when I say rides, I mean rides. Not a rocking platform, hanging seat, or crappy car slapped in front of a big screen. Real metal, actual tracks that go past built displays and sometimes kiss the outer world. I love a true roller coaster, even if it fucks me up for the rest of the day. Soaring through the air, feeling my stomach fall away on a big drop, the wind blowing past; that is truly irreplaceable. Getting shaken like a paint can in front of a large screen showing bad CGI doesn’t capture the same magic, so Drew Land’s focus will be on practical entertainment.
6. Line Management: Something you might not realize about me from my general demeanor: I’m a planner. If I’m going somewhere on a trip, rest assured I’ve researched all my travel, lodging, dining, and various other options to the billionth-degree, simply because it’s part of my process. Going to theme parks that offer some type of line management system (Fast Pass being the gold standard) is a godsend to people like me. It allows for research, scheduling, and even making a few concrete timetables to work off of, not to mention cuts the process of waiting into far more easily managed chunks. Truth be told, I’d love to copy a lot of various parks’ planning resources for Drew Land, but this part will be an absolute must.
7. Food: Growing up, theme park food was fairly standard. Pizza and burgers pretty much anywhere, burritos and churros if you were in the right bits of Texas, and past that… fries? I never minded much, because I was a kid, and honestly if you’d asked me to build a perfect menu that probably would have come close to it. Thankfully, I’m not the only one who did some growing up over the years. Theme parks have started to realize that people will spend money on fine cuisine, and have begun taking steps to accommodate that. Would I love to steal a Michelin-star chef to run their own restaurant at Drew Land? Damn right I would, that’s why I’m stocking up on kidnapping tools and wine. Figure if we keep the chef drunk enough, they won’t even notice they’re in a different kitchen.
8. Characters: Hey, have to keep these walking around, right? There will be some with obvious lines for kids and adults alike to take pictures with, but some will also be roaming freely, dressed in clothing that could be hard to sort from a normal guest. Talking to one might trigger a secret quest that leads you up and down the park, until at last you find the prize, which will probably be some sort of Fast Pass or food voucher, yet will still feel like something you truly earned.
9. Care: At the end of the day, what separates a good theme park from a great one is how hard the creator is willing to commit. Building underground tunnels so different characters aren’t seen in the wrong lands is an insane overcommitment of resources for such a small detail, yet it’s still talked about as one of the unique amazing features of Disney World. Every piece of it, from the rides to the maintenance to the characters that walk the grounds, is influenced by how much effort someone will put in. I can’t say for sure all the features my hypothetical theme park would possess, but if I were in a position to make it real, I’d be certain to bring my passion for them to the project in every aspect.
Granted, for now this is all a wild pipe-dream, yet I do still enjoy looking ahead. Like I said, I’m a planner, and once upon a time, writing books for a living was just as much of a crazy goal. In a few decades, who knows. Maybe I’ll see you at Drew Land’s Grand Opening.