As Enchanted on TV: Kort’s Captivating Cars

                Slowly, awareness returns to you. As has become your routine, you check the surroundings, getting a sense of where you’ve awoken this time. Pale light from the streetlamp outside barely filters through the dingy motel window, meaning most illumination is coming from the crackling static of the television.

                No new injuries or scars, that’s a plus. Phone is still in it’s usual pocket, as is the wallet, but there are no car keys. Yanking down on the cheap blinds, you peer outside, scanning for the familiar vehicle.

                Nothing.

                Damnit. That’s going to make trouble. While your body has been heading Southeast during the blackouts, you’ve been making detours wherever possible. Sometimes to local libraries, or to talk with a particularly long-lived resident. Always searching for a clue, a hint at understanding… and perhaps escape.

                “Good Evening out there in TV-Land!”

                You know the voice before it announces itself, even without seeing the static flicker away. Turning, you catch the last vestiges of the black-and-white crackles as they vanish, revealing the familiar green eyes of the magical TV pitchman, complimented by sky-blue robes.

                “I’m Kort Blandle, coming to you from the site of my newest endeavor: Kort’s Captivating Cars! That’s right, the same discernment and trust you know I’ve put into products for years has now been moved to the automotive industry.”

                He is outside this time, rather than in a studio. A midday sun hangs overhead, with what appears to be an erupting volcano far in the background. Where on Earth would that have been filmed? Probably not on Earth is the answer, one you don’t have the energy to contemplate.

                “That’s right, whether your looking for a Sunday buggy or an eldritch machination with which to visit untold horrors onto the highway, Kort’s Captivating Cars has the right ride for you. Why, just take one of our recent arrivals. Kort steps along the set, camera moving with him, until a bright purple car comes into view. Despite appearing as if it had driven right out of the 1950s, it is immaculate, without a single dent or scratch.

                “This classic Killstine model has every feature a vintage collector could hope for. Leather seats, original radio, steel frame, and a sentience that falls in love with it’s new driver instantly. Pick this lovely car up, and it will be the last one you ever want to drive.”

                From off-screen a new voice can be heard, one that strikes you as slightly familiar. “Is that because it’s insanely jealous and tries to kill the driver if it ever catches them behind the wheel of anything else?”

                “Of course not, Scott, it’s because the ride will be so divine that they’d never want to try another.” Visible beads of sweat form on Kort’s forehead, dabbed away swiftly with the brim of his hat. “Sorry about that folks, give a PA a minor promotion and it all goes right to their heads. Why don’t we move on to something a little more modern?”

                Walking past the Killstine, the engine roars softly, causing Kort to jump. He hurries along, soon stepping in front of a muscle car that was likely made sometime in the 1980s. “Here we are, the KART, one of two special models made by a now deceased mad genius. For those of you who like a toaster that blinks, socks that play sounds, and other technological doodads, this will be the choice for you.”

                “I am no mere doodad! I am an aware being with full cognition. You will bow down and serve me, pitiful human! I am mighty, I am the Killer Automated Roving-”

                While the robotic voice rang out, Kort reached in through the front window and began fiddling with something on the dash. Without warning, the voice cuts off, and Kort looks back to the camera. “As a Kort Blandle special, this particular model comes with a custom muffler. Much as we all love a good conversation, it’s best when optional. Beyond just speaking and scaring the hell out of our people, KART is armored, possesses the best offensive technology the eighties had to offer, and comes with limited self-driving capabilities; though we have to recommend you use the last feature sparingly.”

                Once more, a voice can be heard from off-screen. “Because if it connects to an internet port it could upload it’s consciousness and potentially begin the singularity?”

                “Actually, I meant because it could run the gas bill up if one isn’t paying attention, but that is also an excellent feature to mention. A doomsday device and deliciously comfortable ride, all in a single affordable package.” The smile on Kort’s face is visibly strained as his eyes flick from the camera to a presence slightly out of view. “But not a very large package, is it? How about for our full-shouldered customers, those who like a little room in the cab and to announce their presence on the road?”

                Kort begins to walk, and the camera follows, panning out as it does. The reason quickly becomes clear, as Kort arrives at a tire that reaches his shoulder. Barely contained on the screen is a huge truck on enormous tires, the kind that could go over traffic as easily as through it.

                “Take a gander at Crushsmash, once a simple pickup until it was possess by the soul of a long-dead berserker. Having won multiple monster truck titles, this beauty has been put out to pasture, but there’s still a ton of fight left in it for the right owner. No more sitting behind slow drivers on single lane roads, now they’ll either move aside or come to a permanent stop. And before my assistant Scott chimes in, there are absolutely no problems or curses with this vehicle. To prove how safe it is, I’m going to check out the view from the cab.”

                Though it takes him several tries, Kort slowly climbs his way up into the driver’s seat of Crushsmash, turning the key and honking the horn twice before waving at the camera. “Listen to that beast roar! Up here, you aren’t just the king of the road, you’re the unstoppable emperor, the invincible-”

                SMASH!

                Kort’s speech is cutoff as the Killstine slams headfirst into Crushsmash’s grill, rolling the larger vehicle back several feet. Before he can take the wheel, Killstine is already in reverse, building up distance for the next charge.

                “What in the name of Merlin’s sweaty balls?” Kort tries to yank himself free, but the roar of the engine has become literal now that Crushsmash senses a challenge.

                “Did you drive Killstine up here to be in the shot?” The off-screen Scott’s voice holds a tinge of panic, and there are scuffled sounds of movement.

                “Of course I did! You kept putting it in the wrong place, getting the light all wrong.” Realization hits Kort only a few seconds before Killstine’s second charge, this time only a glancing blow as Crushsmash spins to the side. “Well folks, it seems I’ll be trapped in this fight between two sentient automobiles for a while, so that’s where we’ll end things for the evening. Remember to come on down to Kort’s Captivating Cars for your next automobile purchase! Just chain together a ring of Phlox to stand in, look into a mirror, and spin four times while saying the name. We’ll see you soon!”

                The screen returns to static as you open your phone, scrolling for an all-night florist who delivers. Looks like you’re going to need enough Phlox to make a circle.