Hints for the ThunderPear Publishing RPG
Okay, okay, I get it. Your feedback has been heard, loud and clear. It is possible, as a fan of non-linear thinking and overly convoluted references, I might have made the puzzles in the first ever ThunderPear Publishing Video Game RPG: Shitshow For Hire, a tad more difficult than originally planned. And by a tad more, I mean the office has been getting slammed with emails, tweets, DMs, and the secret new form of social media message you’re not hip enough to know about yet, all deeply frustrated by the challenges and solutions they’re encountering during play. Most of the questions are along the lines of “How should I know vampires are defeated by a knock-off version of tequila?” where the obvious answer is by paying attention, but there are a few where ambition may have gotten away from me.
So today, in response to the demands of the public, I’m offering up some hints on how to get past the harder hurdles in Shitshow For Hire, in the hopes that this will make the rest of the game mostly solvable. We don’t actually want you to finish the game all the way, it’s technically cursed, that’s part of how a tiny company managed such a massive release: magic. As long as you don’t see the ending, you’re fine though. But to make sure you have the option, let’s dig into those tips!
1. The Arcade Ninjas. By far, our most frequent issue, given how early it is in the game, comes when you try to go win the magic ring from the Arcade claw machine, but are killed by the rival ninjas clans doing battle each time. I know some folks went down to the dojo and learned martial arts, only to still die by shuriken, while others spent hours trying to broker peace.
The real solution is simple elegance, however. Start by going to the Lab and calling in a fake chemical spill. While everyone is panicked, you can slip into the experimental wing, where a canister of glowing green liquid is visible. Steal it, then stop by the pizza place and buy four slices. After that, hop down into the Sewer, where you’ll find a rat and four turtles. Spill the ooze onto them, feed your mutations some pizza to make them allies, and head back to the Arcade. Your four new pals will clear a path through the lesser ninjas so you can finally play that crane game.
2. The Lady or The Tiger. The Zoo level seems to be giving people a lot of trouble, but this one is easily our top issue. Near the end of the level, you are forced to choose between saving the lady or the tiger, both of whom are barely hanging on to the cliff’s edge. Letting the lady die angers the rest of the Zoo, as she was the beloved owner, however letting the tiger die angers the rest of the animals, as he was their favorite bartender. Either one dying will result in you failing as well, though it’s a matter of if you’re torn apart by an angry mob or mauled by sober animals.
I know a lot of folks thought the trick was to race around the unicorn stables, avoiding their horns and gathering hay to use as a cushion, but there’s just not enough to absorb that much impact. The real solution is obvious, once you know it. Steal the piece of eggshell from the lost-and-found, then head back into the world. Trek up to the Mountains, navigate across Perilous Peak, until you finally reach the Volcano. Toss the egg shell in, triggering the phoenix to rise, blazing up through the sky. Now just remember to give both the lady and tiger Elixirs of Anti-Burning, and let them both fall in that fateful moment. The phoenix will swoop in to save them, repaying its debt to you in the process.
3. The Rave. Look, dealing with a ninety person dance crew isn’t meant to be easy, especially when they challenge you to a move-for-move competition where you have to defeat each one in succession. And to be clear, that does let you clear the challenge, if anyone out there has actually managed it. The fact that it takes nine real-world hours to finish with no pausing or breaks probably put some people off going that route, though.
For those of you unwilling to put your dance skills to the test, the solution for this is simple. Stop by Dippotle on the way over and pick up a catering order of their famous tacos. Set those out on the buffet table, and watched as all ninety of your competitors fall upon it as one. Now some of you made it this far, but skipped a crucial step right here: make sure you eat a taco as well. The challenge is going forward, only now, every competitor soils their pants as soon as they step onto the dance floor. You still need to imitate them, so having one of those tacos in your colon will ensure you’re a mirror version, and after the first three the contest will be called on account of stench.
4. Minigolf. Most of this section is a matter of learning the game and timing, there are small tricks on each hole but generally skill will get you through with enough effort. Yet the 18th hole, where you must whack the ball into the mechanical dragon’s mouth, is a stumbling point for a lot of players. Between the snapping jaws, flapping wings, and blocking tail, it seems impossible to land that shot. Largely because it is impossible, if you haven’t done the preparation yet.
Walk back to Hole #4, the castle with the drawbridge. You’ll find that the youths playing behind you broke down part of the fake boulder blockade, making the castle door now accessible. Head inside, and you’ll be transported into Olden Times. Play this section out normally, and after you defeat the dragon, make sure you do not unequip any items or gear. Return to the Minigolf Course as is, and go to Hole #18. The mechanical dragon will now be frozen in fear before the sight of a dragon-slayer still dripping in viscera, making the shot basically a freebie.
5. Casino. The goal here is clear, you need to win the big jackpot to get the fancy sports car, so you can drive Dr. Science to her clandestine meeting in the desert. This is where you meet the lost alien, opening up all of the Area 51-B storyline, so it’s crucial for you to win that car. But how, when the betting mini-games are built to pay out on roughly the same odds as actual casinos?
Magic, obviously. Head to the Huxtor pyramid near the edge of the strip and find the murderous looking man at the corner. He’ll offer you a “special” tour for what seems like too much money, pay the man and follow him through the series of service tunnels clearly not meant for the public, until you reach the secret entrance. Solve the combination puzzle to get through (hint: it’s the same number the fortune teller whispered before her crystal ball shattered) and that will grant you access to the True Pyramid on which Huxtor was built. Make it to the end, where you’ll find a genie waiting. The only wish he can grant is a day of incredibly good gambling luck. Get your blessing, head back to the Casino, and proceed to win your way to the top.
Hopefully this will help everyone get through the first section of the game, and give you the right mindset to solve the rest on your own. Well, most of the rest, anyway. Seriously, do not get to that final screen, not unless you want the shadowy reflection in the TV to become real.