Morning Multiverse: Apocalypse Radio

                “Hey everybody and welcome back to Morning Multiverse where we play the hits, the hot goss, and the heaviest news from all across the multiverse. As always, I’m Drew ‘The Big Thud’ Hayes from verse 0000576342 and rocking along at my side is Drew ‘The Furious Turtle’ Hayes from verse 0001986733. F-Turtle, how’s the day treating you?”

                The furious energy of the first voice crashes heavily against the slow tones of what followed.

                “Oh, you know. Not bad. I do wish we had a view beyond the boundless void of the infinite sometimes. I know there’s more than this building, just been so long.”

                “Well then let’s turn our attention to the wider worlds, F-Turtle! How about a tour round the multiverse with our favorite weekly segment: Apocalypse Radio.”

                An out of tune, fast-paced sound begins to play as an incomprehensible voice croons. One of the hosts can be heard drumming along.

                “That’s right, Apocalypse Radio, where we take a look at the verses on the verge of blinking out. This week’s segment is brought to you by Kort’s Cheery Chopping Chums, handy for all your kitchen needs and now thirty percent less likely to try murdering you. We’re also sponsored by Morning Cup of Drew, which you can catch daily on Channel Omega Eleven. With business taken care of, let’s get down to the end times. F-Turtle, who do we have today?”

                The sound of slowly shuffling papers can be heard through the microphone. “Out of verse 000249753661, reports of giant monsters rising from within the earth are flooding in. Sounds bad.”

                “I’ll say it’s bad! Looks like the awakening behemoths are triggering massive earthquakes, causing vast tidal waves, and generally fucking shit up before they’re even fully awake. On the Survival Scale, we’re going to rank this verse all the way down at a Terrible Two. Let that be a lesson to you out there folks: if your verse is home to sealed monsters below the earth, make sure and keep those suckers asleep! Once they’re up, it’s a whole new ballgame. Let’s take a listen and see how things are going out in verse 000249753661.”

                The sound suddenly shifts, a new panicked voice blubbering forth as sirens and other racket flood in from the background. “-can hear me out there, the latest report is that the missile was ineffective against the creature’s hide. Sources say a nuclear strike is in consideration. Should that happen, there is no time for this reporter to find safety. In case this is my final broadcast, it has been an honor to-” A snippet of loud sound, like some sort of boom, rings out for a moment before silence reasserts itself, albeit briefly.

                “Oooooooh, sounds like things aren’t going so hot down in that verse. Maybe Terrible Two was being a bit generous, but we’ll pull for them all the same. F-Turtle, who’s next on our end times tour?”

                “Out of verse 0000778534, there are stories of huge lines of green light descending from the stars, with humanoid beings stepping forth from them.”

                “Sounds like someone is getting a visit from the Emleons, which puts this verse at a Formidable Four on the Survival Scale. Remember folks, the Emleons might be pretty to look at, but they survive by pulling the light particles out of all matter, including the living sort. Let’s take a listen and see how they’re faring with the new visitors.”

                A short crackle of static before another fresh voice rings out. “-in this historic day, where humanity takes its first steps into the community of the stars. From this moment, we shall endeavor t- OH HOLY SHIT! The crowd! The diplomats! Even the grass, all of it is like ash. In a literal flash, they’re all gone. What the fuck did these invaders do? Who are these terri-” There is no boom as the voice cuts off this time. Only sudden silence.

                “Ouch, that’s a rough start, we’ll cross our fingers that they figure out the Emleons weakness. If you’re one of the verses who have these celestial neighbors, let’s just say I’d recommend putting a lot of funding behind dark matter research. F-Turtle, what do you say to one more before we jump on over to the freshest songs from around the worlds?”

                “Okay.” More paper shuffling. “Hmm. Never seen one this low. Apparently, verse 0000000153 has been experimenting with a new ‘world-changing’ technology. Our experts give it slightly better than half odds that it won’t destroy their universe.”

                “Better than half? Why, sounds like I’ll need to rank them at a Significant Six on the Survival Scale, because those aren’t too bad of odds. What happens will depend on what sort of power source they’re trying to tap into, with all the variance between verses there’s no telling what they’ve even got access too. I have word they’re about to fire up the machine though, so let’s go take a listen at how things are going.”

                Sounds of footsteps suddenly rise up, a crush of bodies moving near the new microphone. When a voice speaks, it does in hushed, reverent tones. “We’re seconds away from the switch being thrown, attempting to harvest this powerful new energy. As humanity stands on the threshold of ascending beyond our mortal limits, we hold our collective breath, waiting to release it in excitement, or dejection. I now see the head scientist about to pull the lever, and here we go!”

                A huge rumble can be heard, however there is no reaction from the voice in the room. More familiar tones do ring out, however.

                “Big Thud, what is that?”

                “Not to worry, F-Turtle, not to worry one bit. Looks like someone is trying to drill into the very Planes of Chaos themselves. Been a while since this happened, but every now and then a verse chasing immortality tries to pull this trick. Unfortunately for them, this ranks an Oh-Shit One on the Survival Scale. Before they can get to the gooey energy of creation, there’s the tough outer shell to deal with.”

                Screams are now coming from the other universe, first of exhalation, then of horror. “-my lord, something is coming through. Not just from the machine, they’re everywhere! Claws tearing forth from each patch of darkness, and some huge appendage just waved past our window on the 43rd floor. Whatever has been unleashed we have to-” The sound ends swiftly, barely more than a few crackles to signify the end has come.

                “For those out there listening, be very wary of the Planes of Chaos. Just visiting without proper prep can lead to getting stuck, like my main man F-Turtle here. Trying to crack into it only pisses off the native fauna. And once they get their version of teeth in… let’s just say I don’t expect we’ll be hearing anything out of verse 0000000153 unless they’ve got one hell of a reality warper on hand.”

                “Maybe we should switch to something more upbeat.”

                “That’s an excellent idea, and I am already on it. Time for a segment we call the Top 40’s Top 40, where we take the best current songs from the verses with the greatest known musical achievements. But first, let’s hear a quick ad for Verse Vacations: See the life you could have had, today. We’ll be back right after with more Morning Multiverse!”