As Enchanted on TV: Kitchen Edition

                The TV is blaring static as you fumble for the remote, head groggy. Weren’t you planning to cut back on the television, especially after the odd… incidents? Your hands knock aside empty, unfamiliar bottles. Were you drinking? What day is it? And why can’t you recall how you ended up on the couch?

                Just as your hand closes around what you think is the remote, static begins to clear. The face peering back through the digital snow is familiar, even if you can’t quite place it. It feels like a face you were either trying very hard to remember, or to forget. A pair of green eyes are peering out from under a pointy yellow hat that matches his robes, they almost feel as if they’re watching your directly.

                “Good evening out there in TV Land! I’m your host, Kort Blandle, here with enchanted tools to help keep your life… magical. I’m also happy to report that despite the rough ending of yesterday’s gardening episodes, all of the murder-vines accidentally released in the studio have been successfully recaptured.”

                Above Kort’s head, a slithering green tendril can be seen pulling up into an air vent before vanishing. Some movement jostles the camera slightly, and Kort’s gaze suddenly shifts upward. “Wave your arms like an idiot after the show, Scott. You just messed up the shot!”

                Kort props a large smile on his face, clearly hoping to distract from the early production hurdles. “For today’s episode, we decided to take things from the outdoors to the indoors, and put some of the vegetables from yesterday to good use. That’s right, it’s everyone’s favorite format! Kort in the Kitchen!”

                Stilted theme music begins to play as Kort awkwardly shuffles in his robes along, nearly a dance, albeit only in the conga-line sense. He moves to a new part of the set, this one mocked up like an upscale modern kitchen, essentially the same as every other cooking show on television. The lone strange standout is a basket of what look like blood-red carrots… that are dripping.

                “It’s a dilemma we all know too well, there’s dinner to make and you have no desire to prep the mise-en-place. Who has the energy for all the chopping, slicing, and yes, I’ll go the extra mile and say it: dicing.”

                Kort holds for some sort of reaction, and after a few seconds a single faux choked gasp can be heard from behind the camera.

                “That’s right folks, even dicing can be a thing of the past, all with the aid of Kort’s Cheery Chopping Chums.” From below the counter, Kort produces a large silver platter. Stationed on it at regular intervals are small figurines holding sizable blades far larger than themselves. Each does appear to be bonded to the platter, and the array of them creates an impassable valley of blades up the silver center.

                “Let’s get our helpers started, shall we? Adjust the dial to your preference, we’ll begin with a fine slice, and then let the chum cut to it.” Kort pulls one of the red carrots from the basket and sets it onto the platter. Instantly, the blades spring to life, falling upon the vegetable in furious fashion until there are only thin sheets of carrot remaining. The finished product is pushed from the platter by an unseen force, however there remains quite a bit of residual, blood-like liquid on the gleaming metal surface. “Perfection! We’ll let these mini-chefs handle the whole basket and check in after a few minutes.

                Kort dumps the remaining carrots all onto the platter, piling higher than several of the knives can even reach, before shifting over to a new part of the kitchen. Sitting there already is a tall ceramic pot with runes running along the base. “Now that we’ve got salad handled, let’s set our sights on the main course. And what an implement we have on that front tonight. It is my extreme pleasure to introduce Kort’s Awesomely Appetizing Airferno. Inside of here is a constantly spinning fire-tornado, raised free-range, to speed-char whatever you desire. Between the temperatures and intensity, you can knock out a roast in 20 minutes, or for a quick sear, just hold something over the top for three seconds.”

                As Kort reaches across the counter, his sleeve briefly touches the air above the pot, everything up to the elbow vanishing in a puff of flame. Kort does his best to ignore the wardrobe change as he pulls over a hefty hunk of meat. “Let’s really put this tool to the test, we’re going to be roasting a hunk of manticore, notoriously tough to cook all the way through. Just use a pair of Kort’s Tubular Tundra Tongs so they won’t instantly melt, and deposit your seasoned protein into the vessel.” Producing a pair of ice-blue tongs, Kort struggles to hold the meat steady, finally dropping it into the pot after several tries and a burst of flame from the top.

                “Obviously, that leaves us one course left, and that would be dessert. While the bread pudding we made last time with Kort’s Yummy Yearning Yeast was delicious, the sentient creature eventually spawned from it caused quite a bit of trouble, so we’ve been asked not to repeat that recipe, though of course the product is still available. Today, instead, we’re going to make a homemade ice cream with Kort’s Fast Freezing Frame. Just deposit your liquid and bowl into the border, and presto, in no time you’ll have a perfectly chilled frozen treat. Now I’ve already prepped the mixture to go… in…”

                Kort looks around, noting a few flecks of some substance on the counter, presumably where his bowl was meant to be. Looking closer, he notices a dark green leaf nearby, just as a high-pitched scream rises from behind the camera. Moments later, a man in khakis races into frame, chased by tiny figures holding regular-sized knives.

                “Scott, what the hell is wrong- ah, it seems the residual life force in the corpse carrots has brought Kort’s Cheery Chopping Chums to life, and they are quite murderous. Not to worry, you see on top of cooking, Kort’s Awesome Appetizing Airferno can also function as a makeshift weapon. We just need to lift and point… uh oh.”

                Following Kort’s eyeline, you can see several tendrils drifted down from the ceiling, wrapped around the pot and lifting it into the air, one telltale vine preparing to yank the lid free.

                “Well folks, looks like we’re about to need Kort’s Sensational Soaking Sprinklers, so this is a good time to say goodbye for tonight. I’ve been Kort Blandle, and remember if you’re watching through a human, don’t forget to wipe- Gah!”

                Kort dives out of the way as a tremendous burst of flame flashes over everything, turning the screen back to static once more.