Announcements on Action Tournament Island
Good Morning Competitors! Shelbert here with your morning announcements. Anybody not close to one of the many speakers located throughout our scenic island should take this time to move closer, as much of my information concerns everyone. Those of you in the middle of swearing vengeance on a rival you’ll finally get to face today, please find a good pausing point. You have ten seconds.
Shelbert hums hold music, poorly.
Now that you’ve all had a chance to hunker in close, let me open with a round of congratulations to those who’ve survived this long. Not many fighters make it to Day 3 of our ancient, time honored tournament (this year sponsored by ShirtArmor) called The Island Bloodbath. You’re all amazing competitors, except the ones who die today. They were obviously a fluke. Before the day’s events kick off, just a few items to touch on.
1. The 10am fight has been moved from the temple of frozen blades to the narrow ropes over shark-infested waters. Our last round yesterday was in the ice temple, and one of the competitors managed to somehow summon a fireball… with punching. Point is, right now it’s more the temple of half-melted junk, so expect further location changes if it isn’t fixed by evening.
2. While it is of course assumed that fighters will make use of their skills, inherent magic powers, mutations, weaponry (up to and including firearms), teleportation, form-transformation, and other staples expected at any tournament, we do ask that you not have a friend literally jump in and take over your fight for you. We’re not one of those tournaments, and we’ll thank you to respect our standards.
3. There’s been some confusion, so to clear things up, the large pit filled with feces is not one of the final round’s locations, regardless of the rumors going around. Frankly, we try not to make too much of this out of respect, but Talgor, the nine-armed fighter with blue skin, needs a place to poop as well. We tried remodeling a normal bathroom, and had to burn it down after one use. Just make sure you do not fall in. Not even ShirtArmor’s new top of the line Stink-Stopping technology could save you from that stench.
4. The inexplicably huge breakfast spread will be on the south beach today. Winds from the east kicked up sand in our planned spot, threatening to ruin the glazed ham, champagne fountain, maybe even the pounds of caviar. On a related note, we have heard your requests for simple, functional meals and they have been soundly rejected. The risk of someone pooping themselves mid-fight is part of what makes The Island Bloodbath such a special event.
5. I was handed something by my supervisor here… ah, it seems I misspoke earlier. Despite my jest, the committee would like to make it clear that the new Stink-Stopping technology from our sponsor, ShirtArmor, would absolutely stand up to the smell of a pit of shit created by an inhuman creature from another realm. How? Maybe spend more time thinking about fighting, less time picking holes in the outstanding ShirtArmor brand.
6. Due to someone using a finishing move that incited a minor volcanic eruption, the four-wheeling expedition has been postponed for a day while cleanup crews remove the newly cooled igneous rock. We would also like to request that anyone using fighting styles that impact the geographic area forewarn officials prior to their fights. Those tactics are certainly allowed, they’re fundamental to many martial arts, however we do like to be prepared for eruptions and lightning storms.
7. Please respect your allotted gym hours. We recognize that everyone here is bursting with muscle, and that maintaining such a physique requires constant upkeep, but remember that all competitors need to get their pump on. Already reports have been coming in of people showing up early and staying late, crowding the gyms and straining the availability of machines. Remember: those who can’t stick to the gym rules lose gym privileges. Much as we don’t want to go there, we will if necessary.
8. The ShirtArmor VIP section is for those with red wristbands only. Got a lot of reports yesterday of people trying to slip their way in, and I have to tell you folks, it’s not happening. Much like their patented Stink-Stopper-
Slightly muffled This is the third fucking plug for them already, do I really have to read it? Uh huh. Uh huh. Nope, no clue how much it costs to fly in top-level fighters from across the world to battle to the death. Right. Sure. Have to say, no, I don’t think the announcements would sound better if I made them from inside Talgor’s pit. Yup. Got it.
-Sorry folks, as I was saying, much like ShirtArmor’s patented Stink-Stopper keeps bad smells from getting out, our security staff and their ample weapons will ensure you don’t make it into the ShirtArmor VIP area without a red wristband.
9. Outside of matches, we ask that you please wear your nametags at all times. Between the names from other dimensions, the names of ancient beings, and five of you wearing the same outfit with different colors, name tags are a great way to keep communication flowing smoothly. Our staff also use them when delivering requests or guiding you to your next bout, and at the rate you all clip through the helpers, none live long enough to learn the names on their own.
10. Lastly, please remember that this is a tournament, not a brawl. There have been some rumors of non-sanctioned fights taking place outside of the scheduled events. Remember, what matters most here is entertaining the attendees and sponsors, so if you’re going to fight one another to the death, at least make sure there’s an audience. Preferably some with red wristbands, if it’s at all possible.
Thanks for listening, everyone. If you’ve got a morning bout booked, please start making your way toward the fight location. All other attendees, feel free to use this time to train, watch other matches, or simply explore the island. We would recommend avoiding the feces pit area, though. Talgor was spotted heading that way with seven magazines, so it will likely be out of commission for a while.